Returning to this blog sometimes is like visting my sins that I must admit I enjoyed committing and in the process assimilated all sorts of experiences ,good or bad, that I encountered in the process.However this even remotely doesn't mean that I am very proud of all that I've been over the past one year.Nothing that I say can offer any justification and no excuse is going to be good enough.But this blog offers me a certain degree of anonymity that I so much enjoy and I can talk freely about things I couldn't ,for the fear of disapproval or a debate over a mess table .This post should keep the ball rolling.
Our greatest fears and our greatest hopes are seldom realized.But when they are ,they leave us as a better person because we learn and appreciate the virtues of reconciliation.
Thelostsoulinafishbowl is at peace with himself though now and then he gets into the perpetually lost mode .Earlier this year,some company found him good enough to work for them.If things go well he'll start earning in another few months and will make enough for his bread and butter and that occasional tandoori chicken and beer.BTP is going on well though there are occasional hiccups.His inclination towards alcohol and grass has fairly reduced though he doesn't mind drinking and getting other people drunk once in a while for celebrating a few good things in life.Grass always appears greener on the "other" side but things are pretty much under control.
Suffering is a great teacher and it has taught him a few things well.It has taught him to count his blessings and be thankful to God for whatever little he has . It has taught him that a few things are better left than pursued.It has taught him that happiness is just not about great things happening in life.Its about getting a good night's sleep,its about knowing that there are people who enjoy your company,its about knowing that there is enough love in this world and hoping that there might me a little there for him too.
Honestly speaking this blog is a child of the extreme boredom and ennui that of late has crept into my life, that has been in total shambles due to reasons I believe don't even merit a place here.My naivette,carelessness and disillusionment to far more important things in life would provide a subtle explanation to my present plight which has been magnified to gargantuan proportions by the fact that I am a final year final semester student in a college thats far away from what deserves to be termed as "civilisation".
Last year during a period of ten days that I had spent at home ,I had visited a lot of astrologers.The sudden interest in astrology could be attributed to the fact that things weren't going well for me.I had spent two months in Mumbai as a summer intern followed by a tour down south.I wouldn't term the phase as traumatic .But to some extent emotionally I wasn't strong enough to cope up with the turn of events.Logic had betrayed me long ago and something made me believe that the answers lay somewhere else.I was so unsure and afraid of the future that astrology seemed to be an instant refuge ,something that could offer me instant gratification.But it did not.
Over conversations with a friend and a lot of soul searching I had started to develop a strong bent towards spirituality.Until now my spiritual life was what I can best describe as "nil".The concept of deeksha seemed to be both appealing and engrossing one.It has its roots in "Bhakti Yoga" that I had come across as a part of a Humanities and Social Sciences course in my third year which if I can recollect correctly was called "Science and Humanism".It talked about the love for God and complete surrender to Him.We humans waste a lot of energy in the process of loving and hating others.This energy if suitably directed could work wonders for us. .However the spiritual calling wasn't strong enough or maybe the time wasn't ripe.Things didn't fall in place and I returned to this place for my fourth and final year.
During this time I underwent a lot of change.I was slowly turning into a regular drinker and my smoking had considerably increased.I was drinking alone in a quiet closed room.I had already been introduced to grass in my second year but had never felt the need to try it again barring a rare occasion when a friend had painstakingly tutored us to roll up and smoke it in the most distinguished manner.But during this time I was taking a lot of this stuff.Nicotine ,alcohol and grass.
I hardly attended classes and when I did I was usually doped up or had a hangover from the previous night's drinking.The previous semester I had touched new lows as far as my CGPA was concerned and resurrecting myself out of this abyss of academic disillusionment was slowly turning into an unsurmountable task.A lot of D's had started governing my life drinking,dope,DIP,Dave Gilmour and lots of them on my gradesheet .I had a BTP that I couldn't make heads and tails of.I was assigned to a Phd who appeared to be cerebrally challenged.
Most of this semester was spent in enriching my Bohemian experiences.The only bright spark if any would be my tryst with CAT that eventually dwindled into another shattered dream.I started popping pills as I hardly got any natural sleep.I slept during the day that lead to sleeplessness during the night.I started avoiding people barring a very few who fell under the class of friends.My eating habits took a backseat because of my nicotine intake and consequently I was losing a lot of weight.
The month of December was particularly a painful one.The semester had come to an end .The BTP evalutaion had been done.I had managed to make a decent show of the little effort I had put in over the last few days .CAT was over.Most of my wingmates headed for home with just two of them staying back to complete their apping work.I decided to stay back and keep myself busy with the BTP and also because home put a lot of constraints on the sense of freedom that I had acquired of late.Moreover I was hardly able to spend anytime with myself and being at home would have meant doing that most of the time.
The mornings and afternoons were spent mostly in the Lab.The work of my BTP was slowly taking shape.The BTP title had been decided at the very last moment and I was happy about being able to do something in a very long time.The day usually ended with me drinking alone in my closed room and having conversations with an inebriated friend over the phone.
During this time I made a few friends who had tastes similar to mine.We drunk and doped together.I started listening to Floyd and was introduced to psychedelic .I started studying Floyd lyrics looking up everything I could find about them.Dope sessions followed by videos of Floyd was something I started to relish.
Its strange but somehow my mind bends towards spirituality when I am going through a real torrid time.I started going to a temple every evening after returning from the Lab and spend some time there sitting on a bench outside,looking at the people come and go, who in turn gave me long lingering stares until one of broke eye contact.Perhaps the jacket I wore that had the name of my college had to do something with it.There was a strife between the inner self and my exterior.Everything inside was manifesting itself in my behaviour.My mind was not at peace.Spirituality was turning out to be an excuse or probably an escape.I was afraid of the suffering and the sorrow.I had immersed myself in alcohol and smoke just because I was trying to escape reality.This reluctance was turning out to be an impediment in my spiritual growth which slowly had started affecting my sense of independace and individuality.
One particular night deserves a special mention.I had as usual consumed a lot of alcohol and grass with another friend ,watched a few videos which I found disturbing in my state of delirium .The images danced in front of my heavily doped eyes.Flashes or hallucinations if I had to put it in words.Probably it was the insecurity and fear that I had been living with for quite sometime now.Dope might just have been the catalyst.
What i saw was a brightly lit room.I woke up with the sun on my face and a spirit to live.It was as if some fluid had been injected into my body that ran through my veins urging me to live.It lasted for a few seconds if I can trust my instincts and sense of timing.Dope does strange things to you.Unlike alcohol ,it affects two people differently at the same time.The quantity inhaled might be the same but the levels of high it gives can vary. I remember having the hallucination that night,coming back to my room,messaging a few people who were close to me and then crying before drifting into sleep.
Reality is so different from an illusion in the absence of an intoxicant.The next morning I woke up in the same dark room and fumbled for my pack of cigarettes and out of habit I lay on the bed with my eyes open.My hallucination might have been a projection of some inner wanting that I might have harboured over a very long time,or so I thought.It was December and if my calculations were correct I had spent close to twenty days at home that year.I couldn't spend another night in the damned room that of late had started haunting me.That night sitting in a general compartment with some fifteen people stuffed in it and hardly enough room to sit,and air to breathe ,I remember feeling overjoyed.
